: : ADi is Dreamy. Capture it. : :

Monday, February 28, 2005
Life's Like Having a Ladder Topple on you After a Fall

So today I decided to change.

I decided that today, I will change for the better. I'm leaving my past behind. I'm leaving everyone in my wake. If you want to join me for the ride, join in. But you must be wearing your seatbelts. Cos this leg of the journey is sure to take some weird twists and turns.

And it just got weirder. My mum decided to Run. She ran as far away from the house as possible. And I just received a call from her. She's somewhere out there, under the stars with my little Bro. I do hope she's ok. She sounded ok. But she was a little upset when she called. I won't be expecting her back anytime soon, but she'll be back on Wedensday. I can feel it.

Well, aparently the change has not been well received by everyone. Somebody I know is still feeling all crappy because of it. I dun mind. I know it's hard when someone you love suddenly changes in a way that you least expect. It's ok, darling.

It feels so bad, it almost feels like a break up. The last time I felt this way was when I broke up with Hidayah. And the same feeling is still engulfing me, overwhelming my senses. Overloading my emotions. There's no one permanent whom I can turn to. All my supports are slowly fraying away. One by one, disappearing. One by one, coming up, without me knowing if they'll stay for long, or even long enough. One by one coming, only to turn heels when I need them the most.

If anyone reading this decides to jump on the bandwagon, just add me on MSN and we can chat the night away. If you're really keen to help, it's ok. Thanks for the offer. Really, thanks.

Su, thanks for listening. I guess at this point in time, there's no one else I can turn to but you. Thanks a million.

Abby, I love you. Are you in the seat, or not?

nakalboi. Another day is done;
- 10:17 pm

Sunday, February 27, 2005
You're my Jamelia, but I'm not your Superstar...

I gotta confess, I'm not the Best man or the job. Well, I'm not even half the man you expect me to be. And frankly, I dun mind not being the best, really.

In fact, I do feel that I am not the best there is. I won't be the man that you want me to be, because it's not within my ability, my reach. It doesn't matter to me anymore if I can't be the man you want me to be, cos I'm starting not to care anymore.

There's too much going on, and I can't bear it anymore. I'm letting go of everything now. Everything.

So come tomorrow, ADi will not be the ADi that has been for the past 6 years. This ADi, will return to his roots.

Take care everyone.

nakalboi. Another day is done;
- 11:10 pm

Saturday, February 26, 2005
Juriah Jenal

It's been a while since I last updated. Maybe it's cos my Body is feeling like shit.

The dry spell lately has burnt up large patches of bush in my area recently; and the lingering smoke in the air, is killing my nose. I got a sensitive nose. Even a bit of dust from cleaning up my room would make me sneeze like there's no tomorrow, and even worse, it leaves me with a leaky nose. ARGH!

What more, lately I've been spending a lot of time on the PC, both at work and at home, and my eyes are aching... My body has taken a lot of abuse lately. Bad posture, bad positions, bad habits.

Life is returning to normal now. All's falling back into place now. Brains up to 60%, as compared to 2% in the last post, so yah... I can do the normal things already now, but I'm still recovering. I apologise to the people i know online if I haven't been up to scratch lately. Will be back next week.

Feeling sick, so my plans for today are flexible and spontaneous. Meeting Abs later today, i guess we're gonna chill at T2. Been a while since w last met. I miss her. Then after that, hmmm.... not sure. URH! Sick!

Rudy, I'm glad you liked my previous post. I do hope that you do attain some sort of enlightenment amidst your troubles. It's only a temporary thing. Just pick yourself up and move on, k? Bro, I'm glad you talked about it. It breaks the spell.

Nana, thanks for the Guidance to enlarge my messenger pic.
Fida, too bad you can't create an account from Ripway to host the song.
NeLLe, can help her out?

Abby, I love you. You've been checking up on me recently, I noticed. I understand your suspiciouns. I don't fault you. I just wanna tell you that I love you.

nakalboi. Another day is done;
- 11:38 am

Tuesday, February 22, 2005
A drink too much, a sleep to little, a little too hot...

So yah... I don't know if it's Saturday's hangover, a lack of sleep or the heat is making my headspin, putting me in stone mode for the past few days.

I'm truly Zombified. Just a walking talking soulless being.

I'm not sad. Too stoned to be sad. Yes, once again, all my feelings and sadness has been swept under the carpet.

All that's functioning of my little brain right now, is the little corner for analysis, and the opposite corner of bluff. Everything else in between has shut down. If this keeps up, the bluff section will also be shutting down, and all that I say will be true.

Lies, deceit, deception. Most of our lives are built around that. We go from day to day, knowing that lying is against all morality, ethics & religion, yet we are unable to spend a day breathing without lying. Lying to our friends, our superiors, our parents, and most importantly, ourselves. Every single day, lies are made, said, and forgotten. Some of us are so used to lying, that it becomes second nature. Some of us are so good at lying, we can lie with a straight face. Some of us are so used to being lied to, we become overnight skeptics and question the laws of nature.

Some people say humans are born eveil. It's the environment that makes us good. Others say that humans are like a white sheet of canvas, the colours put together makes the painting, whether beautiful or not. Well... Up to you to decide which is true.

Bah.. too sleepy. Brain is too dead. I'm just fulfiling a requirement.

Take care.

Abby, it's no lie. I love you.

nakalboi. Another day is done;
- 8:07 pm

Thursday, February 17, 2005
Ouch. He-Art-Brok-En

Ouch.

Feeling bad all over again.

Sad.

Guilty.

Disappointed.

I just wanna be alone.

But I want someone by my side too. Just to talk.

Someone I can share my heart with.

Abby, I LOVE YOU.

nakalboi. Another day is done;
- 10:33 pm

The Song says it all.

Abby that's how special you are to me. I know, I'm always making you my punching bag. I have no excuse for that. Thanks for taking the punches.

Thanks for crying for me.

Thanks for making me feel better all the time.

Thanks for being there for me, even when it seems that I've neglected you.

Thanks for your presence when it seems that I'm away.

Thanks for your continued attention, when I don't give it.

Thanks for the time.

Thanks for the patience.

Thanks for always giving me the chance.

Thanks for standing by me.

Thanks for your love.

Thanks for Everything.

I've neglected your love.

I've forgotten your presence.

But you made me realise, how special I am to you.

I'm a fool not to notice that you love me more than I love me.

I pledge my eternal love for you, darling.

For now, forever.

nakalboi. Another day is done;
- 9:00 pm

Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Complain?

A short note to all who complain:

STOP COMPLAINING!

Get your FAT ass up from that chair, and do somehing about it!

If your bedsheet is causing a horrible itch, get your ass up and change it, and stop complaining that it's causing you an itch! Being lazy is not an option to complain!

If your a little broke, get your ass up and start being thrifty, and stop spending your money like there's no tomorrow and start begging for more money! Being poor is not an option to complain!

If you want something that you don't need, get your ass up, and start saving for it. Just because I earn a pay doesn't mean that I can get you the MP3 player,the laptop, the digital camera, and the new handphone you wanted! Get your bloody ass up and get that straight! I have my own mouth to feed. Will you provide for my transport, food and other expenditure till I'm 28 if I do?
Stop asking for such trivial stuff. I'm not your sugar daddy just because I'm nice.

So you're hungry? Get your ass up and EAT! Being on a diet does not mean you can't EAT! Get that straight!

So you're surrounded by whiners! Get your ass up, and mouth open and tell them off! Just because you're a nice person is not a reason to tell them to shove it! Get that straight!

Do something about it! And shut the Fuck UP!

Abby, I love you. I'm sorry I shouted at you. It ain't your fault. I just lost my cool. I love you baby. *hugs*

nakalboi. Another day is done;
- 11:48 pm

Saturday, February 12, 2005
Sat-TUR-day.. Simple.

UPDATE! UPDATE!

Feeling better already, but there are still things happening between me and some other people that is making me doubtful whether things will ever be the same again.

Listening to Alternative Rock right now, at the highest volume that my mum can withstand before she starts screaming her nodules off. I don't care. Hahaha!!

At least now I'm not feeling awry and shitty all over. I have been petty actually these few days, since Tuesday. But I'm not going to let the sunken feeling get the better of me, really.

So I'm allowing random thoughts fill my mind, about hapennings around me, letting the music influence my thoughts.

So my lil cousin has got girlfriend issues. No sweat bro. The MASTER is here. Girlfriend broke up with him cos of another guy, and he feels shitty... Oh well.. Nothing I haven't handled. Just ask me boy. Fida, thanks.

Sacrifices are important in any relationship. The more you love the person, the less painless sacrifices become. Because of the pain, sacrifices are often undone. When you are with me, I'm Free. I'm careless I believe. It brings tears to my eyes. My Sacrifice.

When you least expect it, your life takes a u-turn. Dy is 20, and getting married, soon. She swore that she won't get married till 30. I laughed so hard in her face, I was in stitches. Poor girl. All her life, she's THE puppet. Seemingly strong and hard headed, but succumbs to pressure. So much for being a Rascal. Good luck, girl. Don't forget to call for the invitation. I will come.

You see, Dy's my Ex. I did not enjoy my 18 months with her. Her attitude resembles George Bush, always underestimating the real truth and painful reality. Behaves like a spoilt princess, but she can be extremely lovable, for a favour of course. Liberal in thought, conservative in nature. Undecisive, but headstrong. (Read: Degil. Kepala batu).

Thoughts of reviving an abandoned project did toy my mind for a few months, but even I was finding hard to justify its existence. Even the people who were in the executive committee of the project were pretty excited about it. We worked hard for 6 months, only to be told in the face that it won't take place. It was called Karnival Mendaki.

However, it might not be revived due to lack of support from my closest partner. Upset, but I will undertake a different project, together with Din, my man, and Zul, my Mentor. Not the ZuL I mentioned in the last 2 posts... This is a more sensible Zul, more mature too.
This new project, is still under conceptualisation, as we have barely any concrete ideas and consensus on what form it will take, and the main reason it is for But definitely its for the community. Last I heard, it involved kids. I'm really optimistic to get this going.

Anyway, I just came back from Arab Street, and Little India for lunch. We were hunting for somehting that wasn't there. So, we settled for some Murts and that was it. I wanted some wholesome yoghurt though. But never mind. Next time maybe.

It's amazing when you're calm and collected you can type faster than usual with less mistakes. The only long time I took was to catch ALL my random thoughts and translate them into words for easy reading. Makes more sense too.

Today was a good day. Away from all the painful, hurtful and doubtful thoughts of Love. Just being with myself, and deep in my thoughts. I don't want to go back to the path I took. Looks like a sacrifice will be made today. I'm sorry to the involved parties.

Abby, just because I don't say I love you, it doesn't mean that I don't. Of course I love you.

nakalboi. Another day is done;
- 4:59 pm

Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Love is Everlasting Hurt, say I.

Joy exudes me, from every opening.
Freedom escapes me, at every oppurtunity.
The world, is getting rid of me, slowly.
The people, driving me crazy, eventually.

Circumstances prevent the want.
That's good.
Because the need has not been fulfilled.
Even when it does.
That's better.
Because then, the want dies.

Love is everlasting, some say.
Love hurts, say others.
Love is everlasting hurt, say I.

Thoughts for the future, with her, toy my mind.
Thoughts for the future, with her, toy my mind too.
It's not a choice who's who.
It's a chance, with who.

I can't say.

Sacrificing my world, for the unknown, is a big risk to take.
It seems now, it is a bad risk to take.
But lies, are impediments to progress.
But lies too, are loopholes to success.

The story untold, is better than the story told.
Confuses me, as the story told often hurts.
For love, it remains untold.
For love is everlasting hurt, say I.

Pleasure for me, is a sacrifice for her.
My sacrifice is her pleasure.
Our sacrifices reflect our love, for us, for pleasure
Love is sacrifice then?

Two roads now,
Which to take?
Time doesn't allow for a replay.
How I wish life was a VCR.
Play. Stop.Rewind. Play.
Record. Fast Forward. Stop.

Take out the incessant noise.
Listen to the music in the background.
Watch the show.
Enjoy.

Love hurts.
Decisions kill.
Live plays.
Lies confuse.

I'm lost.
Guide me.
Retrace my path.
Lead me.
I will fly from there.
With you in my arms.
For the future.
For us.
Forever.

nakalboi. Another day is done;
- 1:24 pm

Sunday, February 06, 2005
A Fucker-Full of Shit

There's an emotional disturbance. I can't seem to tune in to my normal rational thoughts.
This whole ZuL affair is killing me. Maybe I should publicise it. And make a killing at hte same time. I need some advise now. Advise from someone who is impartial, someone who won;t ask too much who's who. Try to figure it out.

I sent this to Fahmi, ZuL's guy, via Friendster:

-------------------------
Fahmi,

Kau tentu tahu kenapa aku hantar kau ni message. AKu pun nak kau tahu, yang aku ni takde kena mengena dengan matair lama kau, Shafiah. Kalau KAU ader masalah yang aku ni ader 'hubungan' dengan dia, aku rasa KAU pun patut ada masalah dengan kawan-kawan kau yang lain yang AKU kenal.

MENTANG-MENTANG KAU kenal ZuL dah berzaman-zaman, dun think that it is easy to get her. KAU sendiri tahu, that ZUL has changed from the ZULAIHA yang kau kenal dari zaman kau belum sunat. Sekarang, she is a THINKING person and is able to bezakan antara kaca dan permata. SEKIRANYA kau rasa, yang KAU ni TERBAIK untuk dia, kenapa pulak dia datang
menangis kat aku setiap kali KAU bergaduh? aku bukan nak berat sebelah, tapi kau rasa, kau ni betul-betul tak tahu apa yang kau nak dari perhubungan kau dengan ZUL. Setakat teman? tentu ramai lagi yang boleh buat demikian. Setakat kau boleh jumpa hari sabtu? pilih aje kawan
perempuan mana lain yang kau ada.

ZuL ni bukan anak patung kau. GET THAT STRAIGHT! Kalau KAU ada masalah dengan aku, aku lebih suka kau berterus terang dengan aku, dari kau marah-marah ZUL tak tentu pasal. AKU MENCABAR KEJANTANAN KAU.

Tak guna kau panggil diri kau LELAKI kalau kau masih nak sembunyi belakang kain orang. Aku bukan ajak kau bergusti, tapi aku ajak kau berbual, mano-a-mano.

Aku tahu tentunya kau masih pendam perasaan benci kat aku. Apa kata kita bentang tikar, kau ceritakan kenapa perangai kau macam gini.

KALAU kau Jantan, call aku. 67XXXXXX

Bambang

-----------------------

So maybe it was a bit harsh. Then again, maybe not.

Here's his Jesty reply.

-----------------------

Sugguh suci skali susunan ayat kau itu. Tak usahlah kau berpantun jenaka dgn aku. Salah faham kau setinggi langit dan bumi, kejantanan aku tak payalah kau cabari. Kelakian aku amat pasti, kejantanan kau pula aku kurang pasti. Kalau kau meragukan kejantananku, adakah kau ada apa yg aku ada ditengah2 kelengakangku.

Sungguh mudah kau berbicara, ahli ustaz turut menggeleng kepala. Jgn nak berdrama tentang masalah aku dan dia. Ini tentang kami berdua dan bukan kami bertiga. Get ur fucking facts straight sebelum kau nak berbual dgn aku.

Aku really dun mind kau berkawan dgn Shafiah, topic ini bukan pasal dia. Kau seorang sahaja yg mempunyai masalah dgn aku. Apakah kau lupa, kekata-kekata kau dahulu? Masih garing lagi di kepala otak aku. Apakah niat kau memberitahu dia Ill bet within 6 months ure wif him, u wont be a virgin. Namun, aku berdiam diri. Dan apa kau mengulang niat kau? Apakah erti testimonial yg kau tulis kepada dia? DEFINE WIDOW: A woman whose husband has died and who has not remarried. It sounded direct to me. Seriously kiddo, u got some issues wif me, berterus terang ahajalah. Soalan yg kau bentangkan kepada aku tnyakan lah kepada dirikau sendiri. Namun aku masih berdiam diri. In this case, you need some serious help here.

Tsunami di aceh belum selesai lagi, ramai org yg terlibat ada juga yang mati. Knpa kau mahu mencetuskan penumpahan darah yg baru, tak cukupkah bencana yg baru berlalu?

Memperbetulkanlah diri kau dulu sebelum kau nak bertentang dgn aku. Jikalau kau mahu mencabar dan menanya aku, apakah kelayakanmu atau pun kedudukanmu. Kalau kau mahu membentang tikar, kenapa tidak berkenduri saja, masalah ini antara aku dan dia, knpa mesti ada org di pertengahanya.

Pada aku, dia tidak menceritakan segala-galanya kepada kau. So y dont u get the fucking facts straight here 1st sebelum kau nak bertentang. Kalau kau hendak menolong menyelesaikan masalah kita, lebih baik kau lupakan saja niat di hati, yg akan meburukan masalah yang kini.

Sebelum masalah yg kecil menjadi besar, lebih baik kau blah.

Jgnla melakonkan watak macho atau hero,itu di drama saja,ataukah kau hidup di dalam era wayang cina?

Fahmi

-----------------------

So maybe there he gets offended, and starts crying.... or maybe I'm just mean. I apologise if it's not in English. Translating it to English would have disastrous effects adn make it lose the essence of the Language. Maybe offline, if you ask me, I'l explain it to you.

Naturally, I'm not going to reply, or at least, I have no intention to. I'm just going to sit and wait, till something happens, before I do that good ol' "I TOLD YOU SO!" routine, which I haven't been doing for a very long while.

So ZuL, you're in luck cos I don't feel like giving you anymore shit. I have enough shit in my hands to last a whole year.

Abby, I'm still a fucker, a fucker in love with you.

nakalboi. Another day is done;
- 11:43 pm

Saturday, February 05, 2005
BE a Fucker.

Have you ever had a day, when it's perfect one moment, then all shitty another? It's amazing indeed how just one phonecall, or sms, or email can just turn your day on its head and take a nose dive from there.

Well.. This is it!

It's about time the day came too. OK, maybe you can call it my PMS - Personal eMotional Shit.

I'm so volatile now, I can feel my blood rush to my head and boiling my brain. I don't know why I'm feeling like this actually.

ZuL, I tried. Aparently I realised the advice you asked for is not really advice for you. Did you know that I cracked my brains trying to figure out what the Ell was going on? You just had to have a soft spot didn't you? I crossed the line? HAH! If only YOU didn't cry so much about it, I wouldn't have done anything at all. THIS good guy tried to help. Thanks for sharing it with me, while it lasted.

Suriah, make up your mind. Stop sending wrong messages to everyone. It's really sickening.

MOM, I spent the whole friggin' Saturday at home. Not cos I'm broke, but simply cos you were complaining that I don't spend enough time at home. Well, here I am. You know, the very least you can do is to NOT nag at me the whole day. It's the nagging that keeps me away from home. Get that straight. It's bad enough that you nag at me the 1st thing in the morning, EVERY FUCKING MORNING! I don't need you to nag at me EVERY FUCKING TIME you see me. So I'm not perfect, but you're not always right either. Wished I went out.

Singapore Composers, you suck. Big TIME! Must all song that you guys compose be ballads? Even your rock songs are not up to scratch. You did a horrible job at last year's NDP, screwing up traditional songs. How can you remake traditional songs to be more modern by adding a Techno twist to it?

Sometimes I wish I was dead. Then I won't have to make so many people suffer, and I wouldn't feel sad. Anyone out there willing to kill ME for free?

I'm mad at everyone, for everything. I'm blaming myself cos I'm more perfect than you. Why can't you guys be brilliant, like me? Why can't you THINK for yourselves? Why must you always turn to me, only to not listen to the very advice you asked for, and do the exact opposite of what you should be doing? I'm not saying I'm right all the time. At least, THINK of whatever you want to do, and make sure it's something that you won't regret in the future.

No point carving yourself up, just because the person you love doesn't pay attention to you. No point trying to save something that's already lost. No point nagging at something knowing damn well that it won't be (and maybe can't be) done.

It doesn't matter to me if you prefer to believe in karma or the balance of life or Newton's Third Law (for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction). Things happen for a reason. And whatever this reason may be, it entails a reaction from something, or someone.

Life is a string of random acts put together. Life is also interactive. With every action, is a consequence. Life puts together all of this and creates a contradictions.

Help a friend, but not too helpful. Be nice, but not too nice. Be a fucker, but be a damn good fucker.

Abby, I'm a fucker. I'm sorry.

nakalboi. Another day is done;
- 9:40 pm

	Name : Bambang Suryadi Location : Upnorth, Singapore
	A little bit of here, a little bit of there. I'm a little bit of everywhere. You gotta find out more about me, to know where I'd be
View my complete profile